The new year is fast approaching. It is creeping steadily towards me as my keister spreads wider from the Christmas cookie consumption competition I am currently having with Santa himself. With New Year’s only days away, in my head I’m making my tally of all the resolutions I hope not to break before February. So here is my list of do’s and don’ts for 2015.
The fact that I am 4’9 and have the metabolism of a small hippopotamus, I vow to try and make better diet choices. As much as I wish I could have the diet of most toddlers, alas, my ass will not let that happen. Thank goodness my love of working out has let me break even over the years, my ever aging self soon will not let even that be. Let’s face it folks, being the size of most 8 year olds, with both blemishes and grey hairs is bad enough,( We aren’t going to also mention the orthodontic situations currently going on in my pie-hole) but add portly to that equation and well thats just sad. So, as stated in a previous blog, my goal is not to turn into a waif (because that just ain’t gonna happen), but to keep my ass to the scale of a Kardashian and not Momma Cass. Sure my stature has gotten me out of most solicitations that come to my door, because they ask if my mom is home. But figure maintenance when a few pounds makes a big difference is a pain in my medium large to extra large sized rear end.
Another goal of mine is only to lose my shit two to three times a week and not daily. So when my three year old tries to rip my six year old’s throat out Rick Grimes style, I will not threaten to do that to him if he does it again. I will politely explain to him that gutting your brother with your bare hands is strongly frowned upon in this establishment. And when my six year old give me an eye roll most 14 year olds would envy, I will not threaten to pop him upside the head. But enlighten him to the fact that if he rolls his eyes back that far, he won’t see me coming. And when my six year old baits the behemoth three year old into fisticuffs and comes to me crying, i will not tell him that when he messes with the bull he’s bound to get the horns. I will tell both of them to play nice is the calmest of tones. For that matter, when my three year old yells so loudly it could burst Helen Keller’s eardrums, I will not yell louder to combat it. I will serenely ask for an inside voice, which we will quickly retort, that he doesn’t know how. I will not blow a gasket when my youngest runs naked after bath giggling that he likes when the puppy licks his “weina”. I will remind him his weina is private and doodles and everyone else are not allowed.
And another that I have kept since the day I made my babies, that I plan on continuing, is truly enjoying the chaos that is two little boys. I will continue to refuse to correct Connor when he calls his spanish teacher Hola Debbie, even if her name is Ms. Betty. I continue to enjoy Logan’s gossip of who is on what color at school and enjoy listening to every infraction made by all of his best friends. I will continue to hold my ear up to the door of the playroom to listen to them play superheroes nicely. Hearing them yell for help as Groot or Rocket save Wolverine and Cyclops while Connor sings “Hooked on a Feeling”. I will continue to give high fives to Connor for not pissing on the wall every time he completes that mission. I will continue to cheer for Logan during soccer while simultaneously shooting lasers at that asshole six year old that shoved him on the field. Honestly, I give myself a high five for not running after that sum bitch and throwing down with said six year old. It wouldn’t be that unfair of a fight. I only got like 3 inches on him. I will always come running when my goliath screams from his room “ I WANT SNUGGLES”! I will always enjoy my big boy’s love of cuddles and movies.
New Year’s is a time for resolutions, like maybe my Connor will finally get rid of his pacifier, or maybe he will go to college with it. Maybe this year I will be able to pee alone, or at the vary least with only a Labradoodle interloper. Or maybe I’m destined to have three pairs of eyes asking me questions every time I scurry to relieve myself. A New Year, filled with possibilities, and while I can’t promise the size of my fanny, I can promise I’m going to laugh the whole way through. Taking care of a house full of males, stupidity, loyalty, joy,and laughter will know no bounds.
